Tits and arse and everything nice

I came across the following article the other day while trolling Facebook and it instantly infuriated me: body-language-from-a-trans-perspective

My first reaction was essentially no this is misogynistic bullshit and you should be loud and take up space and make noise. 

But then I got to thinking about how actually perhaps it just might impact on someone passing - at least in the sense of not drawing notice, and I think it is a totally valid thing to want to go unnoticed as a trans person. And then I reflected on my own journey and how I used to study this kind of stuff. Things like the way women talk in a 'sing song', how you walk, arm carrying angle that kind of stuff. But at some point I stopped bothering about it and got on with my life.

It was then it dawned on me that in the end this kind of thing had very little real relevance to me in expressing my own gender. But I think this is mostly because this kind of thing is not as relevant to the society I live in. Absolutely there is gendered behaviour in my country and there are some extreme pockets, but it is far less pronounced than in the States. Even linguistically our use of English by men and women is much less gendered than American English. 

I was once skyping with a friend who lives in the states, when at one point I had a quick conversation over my shoulder to my flat mate. I turned back and my friend commented that they heard me talking like a guy. But actually what I think they heard was me talking as someone in the English of my own country, with it's less pronounced gender difference in tone, modulation, word choice etc...

So it all got me thinking about how when I go on-line, the resources for transitioning English speaking trans women is pretty overwhelmingly American. And I think it infects the thinking of other English speaking trans women. We end up worrying about things they don't actually need to worry so much about in the context of their own country. In fact I think it would be counter productive to subscribe to things such as what was described in the above article. Do all that stuff in the place where I am from and you will stick out like a red flag that says "look at me I'm acting unnatural!!!" 

Even so the article still infuriates me because it is still all based on such a misogynistic way of thinking. It's like we are socialised as men to see women a certain way, and so when we become women we assume we have to fit that image to be accepted, to feel totally woman, to be woman. It is like we buy into that shit harder than anyone else and attempt to socialise each other extensively in this behaviour. And then there are smug validity brownie points if you can interject that it all came 'natural' to you (I've done it in the past) which impacts on feelings of validity for other trans people who don't feel it came as 'naturally' (and I've also kind of done it above with a superior "I stopped bothering about it and got on with my life").

I don't want to get going about the idea this stuff comes 'natural' right now. But perhaps next time.

Transsexual vaginas and certain feminists

So I read this article. What makes a woman?

This post is loosely in answer to this. 

I’m not particularly well-read in this area of feminist thinking – Though I don't make a point of reading misguided hate, I do know that there is a branch of feminist thinkers who are most offended by the existence of trans women, and trans women claiming 'women-hood' and speaking for women. 

The article above has some interesting points. Something I would agree to is that some trans woman behave badly, naively and sometimes with a powerful misguided sense of entitlement (I include myself in that camp as a trans type person raised as a male). Personally I think it is perfectly reasonable that if a trans woman is raised as a guy, in a patriarchal society which feeds men a particular view of what it means to be a woman, which gives them a sense of an entitlement they are not even aware of, then obviously this will carry that through into the behaviour of many trans women on account of their upbringing. It is also true that we don’t share some of the same experiences as some of the cis population of women.

It was interesting how nail polish was called out in the article. My view is that nail polish is just something which represents a freedom never before had. It brings a sense of relief. I'm not sure most people can’t really understand. It feels like a profound yet simple pleasure. No it does not make you a woman. But it can feel fucking good. 

In many ways this sense of freedom from such trappings is so euphoric that it can easily eclipse pretty much anything else. Yes we grew up not fearing for our safety in quite the same way as cis women walking down a dark street. But damn we learn to feel it. We also learn about sexism in the workplace. We learn about not making the same amount of money for the same job. We learn what it is like to be on the fat end of objectification. But this process does not happen overnight. 

Something that often seems to get swept under the carpet is that yes while Trans women don’t come with the same background and socialisation as most cis-women, neither do all cis women share the same background and experiences as each other. For example, is a woman raised in New Zealand less of a women than a white woman from America because they have not suffered the same level of gender inequality? Is a woman who was raped, more of a woman because they have been a direct victim? Is a black American woman more of a woman than a white American one because they have suffered more discrimination? If the answer is no and you accept that a woman is more than just a vulva and tits then how can a trans woman be less of a woman? What does it actually mean to live your whole life "as a woman"?

There is also no mention of trans women who have lived very little of  their lives as 'boys' and never really had a ‘male’ upbringing among others. Again we all come with different sets of experiences.  Which one is most valid? How can you talk for women when you don’t represent all female experience including trans women experiences?

The truth is I am actually pretty pissed at some trans voices too. The most vocal of us seem to be the ones with the greatest sense of entitlement, the most self-righteous, the ones who have most brought into the gender binary, and perhaps raise the most ire from this particular 'feminist'.  I still think these loud voices are important, but I can’t quite articulate just how yet.

Here are some thought to leave you with. I've heard dismay and hate for Caitlyn Jenner from both feminists and trans folk. The only thing you all seem to agree on is you all hate her.  But isn't she just a product of American culture? Consider too that just maybe she is just so relieved to be able to wear nail polish or ‘traditionally American female things’ and be celebrated for it and that just in this moment perhaps she does not really give a fuck about feminism, or equality, or the implications of her politics? I don’t think she owes me anything.  How relevant is she to the majority of us living in other countries anyway?

Wells Fargo Commercial: Learning Sign Language

This is just gorgeous.

Trapped between bathrooms

I’m very privileged in that I have been able pass through male and female bathrooms before and after transition without anybody knowing I am trans. I've also also had the pleasure of being in them without passing either way. Bathrooms are a bit of a gnarley issue for many visibly non-heteronormative people. There is a lot of hysteria around people using the 'wrong' public bathroom. The places are loaded with fear. 

Internally it was not easy changing. There is a lot of fear for yourself. You fear being ‘discovered’. You have to get over the social conditioning that says ‘boys can’t use female bathrooms’. But once you start changing it very quickly it becomes uncomfortable to stay where you are. Once you cross the divide it is as if the barriers go back up behind you and if you are not brave enough or don't feel safe enough to use the other bathrooms you can easily end up being trapped in between.

Going to the toilet is in many ways us at our most vulnerable – literally being caught with your pants down. We are exposing parts of ourselves in the near vicinity of others that we otherwise would not expose. Our waste is something we don’t usually share (unless you are one of those people who are like “look what I did!!!!!” and take a photo of it and post it online). 

Perhaps we also fear that deep down we are all the same. Needing to go is a reminder that despite all our culture, technological advancements we are all just biological organisms who produce waste. None of us are above it (except in the physical sense). 

Then there is a fear of being spied upon without your consent. But depending on what bathroom you visit I think we are looking at different phenomena. I've observed that male bathrooms generally tend to be extremely homophobic spaces, while women's bathrooms are more heterophobic (I have not felt any homophobia in women's bathrooms). 

In either case if you are being spied upon it is likely to be by a man (yes I know 'not all men' but it is a pretty safe bet it is mostly men cause you don't hear men worrying so much about women spying on them when they go toilet). So being a trans-woman in bathrooms is fraught with danger and you can't really win because you end up being perceived either as a gay guy, triggering a homophobic attack, or a man invading women's spaces.  

For a long time I looked like a rather gender queer male. I wore nail polish and had long hair while sporting some spiffy facial hair. It was not uncommon for me to get mistaken for a women from behind. On one occasion I went to the male bathroom at a movie theatre. I did my thing and was studiously washing my hands when in my periphery a guy walk in. He saw me from behind and to my amusement was visibly shocked. He went back out, checked the sign on the door, come back in and crab scuttled to the nearest stall. He slowly closed the door staring fearfully in my direction. Obviously having someone of the 'wrong gender' in a bathroom is cause for alarm.

I transitioned at my workplace where I had been for many years. In the beginning I was slowly shifting my wardrobe so that some days I would wear a dress and others I would go as a ‘guy’. On such days I would use the male bathrooms where I was greeted with silent looks of wide eyed horror. But when dressed as a woman I was not brave enough to use the female bathrooms even though in public I 'passed' as a woman. I felt like I was in limbo with a busting bladder.