Trapped between bathrooms

I’m very privileged in that I have been able pass through male and female bathrooms before and after transition without anybody knowing I am trans. I've also also had the pleasure of being in them without passing either way. Bathrooms are a bit of a gnarley issue for many visibly non-heteronormative people. There is a lot of hysteria around people using the 'wrong' public bathroom. The places are loaded with fear. 

Internally it was not easy changing. There is a lot of fear for yourself. You fear being ‘discovered’. You have to get over the social conditioning that says ‘boys can’t use female bathrooms’. But once you start changing it very quickly it becomes uncomfortable to stay where you are. Once you cross the divide it is as if the barriers go back up behind you and if you are not brave enough or don't feel safe enough to use the other bathrooms you can easily end up being trapped in between.

Going to the toilet is in many ways us at our most vulnerable – literally being caught with your pants down. We are exposing parts of ourselves in the near vicinity of others that we otherwise would not expose. Our waste is something we don’t usually share (unless you are one of those people who are like “look what I did!!!!!” and take a photo of it and post it online). 

Perhaps we also fear that deep down we are all the same. Needing to go is a reminder that despite all our culture, technological advancements we are all just biological organisms who produce waste. None of us are above it (except in the physical sense). 

Then there is a fear of being spied upon without your consent. But depending on what bathroom you visit I think we are looking at different phenomena. I've observed that male bathrooms generally tend to be extremely homophobic spaces, while women's bathrooms are more heterophobic (I have not felt any homophobia in women's bathrooms). 

In either case if you are being spied upon it is likely to be by a man (yes I know 'not all men' but it is a pretty safe bet it is mostly men cause you don't hear men worrying so much about women spying on them when they go toilet). So being a trans-woman in bathrooms is fraught with danger and you can't really win because you end up being perceived either as a gay guy, triggering a homophobic attack, or a man invading women's spaces.  

For a long time I looked like a rather gender queer male. I wore nail polish and had long hair while sporting some spiffy facial hair. It was not uncommon for me to get mistaken for a women from behind. On one occasion I went to the male bathroom at a movie theatre. I did my thing and was studiously washing my hands when in my periphery a guy walk in. He saw me from behind and to my amusement was visibly shocked. He went back out, checked the sign on the door, come back in and crab scuttled to the nearest stall. He slowly closed the door staring fearfully in my direction. Obviously having someone of the 'wrong gender' in a bathroom is cause for alarm.

I transitioned at my workplace where I had been for many years. In the beginning I was slowly shifting my wardrobe so that some days I would wear a dress and others I would go as a ‘guy’. On such days I would use the male bathrooms where I was greeted with silent looks of wide eyed horror. But when dressed as a woman I was not brave enough to use the female bathrooms even though in public I 'passed' as a woman. I felt like I was in limbo with a busting bladder.